I have such a huge need to do things that have nothing to do with what I just learned in order to understand what I have just learned.

All of yesterday was spent painting. My friend Danelle brought over some canvas paper. And a little canvas head that I made into sort of a robot goblin. I did a painting of Worm. Worm can fly. We painted and talked. When she left, I continued to paint. I’ve been taking in a huge amount (though it is probably the average amount) of political news. I know about the need to process it.

I’ve heard people say “Take breaks.” etc. But it is actually difficult to employ that kind of advice. The delivery system of our news media is addictive, psychologically clever and pushy. So it isn’t just that I want to know all about the scary and horrible news, it is that the scary and horrible news is also stalking me. And I think everyone feels like that.

It’s better to be informed than turn away, though, so I don’t regret the energy I’ve spent (and sometimes overspent) on taking in information. I want to know what is happening. I’m a member of an organization that is actually doing things, taking a stand, gathering voices, etc. I know that we’re powerful together. And I know that I need to take in information for myself from various sources and spend time seeing how I feel, what I believe, cataloging which tools I have to help.

I think “Processing” is such an annoying word, though. I like digesting. I’ve eaten a lot of information, I need to digest it. I’ve made some decisions, I need to digest the changes. I like that better. It makes more sense to me. I digest by painting and drawing. It isn’t that my drawings and paintings have anything to do directly with the information I’ve eaten. They’re just a process for integrating things. It’s an abstract process. The mind is like that. Things are actually out of order, not so straight forward. It isn’t like a machine, it is gooey. Like paint. I have such a huge need to do things that have nothing to do with what I just learned in order to understand what I have just learned.

The same is true after I learn lines or after a rehearsal. I need to paint in a pure flow aimless way in order to integrate all of the words and concepts I’ve just been trying to arrange. Sometimes aimlessly playing one of my instruments does the trick, too. But I think painting is perfect for me because I don’t associate it with performance. It is deeply private. Yes, I need to sing and dance every day for my soul as well—-but that’s got a direct relationship with Upkeeping the Body and Keeping My Instrument Tuned (ie: my body/voice as a performer.) Painting is so its own thing for me—-just the eyes and the hand and the materials and the mind. It is also the thing that I can do the longest. I love doing things for a very, very long time. I have painted until my hand has gotten tired but it isn’t the same as needing to stop singing because the voice could get overused or needing to stop dancing because I’m literally so physically done, etc. With painting, I can just hold my brush differently or try with my non-dominant hand or push some paint around without being intense. I think I do a lot of activities that require intense focus and physical stamina but painting just softens my gaze and allows my subconscious to have a conversation with reality in ways I don’t quite understand. And I don’t want to understand.